Have you heard the song “I can’t imagine” by Ben Platt ?
I woke up this morning with it stuck in my head and now can’t get it out. Not going to lie, I’m not even that mad about it - it’s GOOD!
But it’s bringing up so many emotions for me.
In November it’s going to be the 11th anniversary of my brothers death.
I think back to who I was before that day and after that day and it’s two completely different people. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if he didn’t die. Would I still suffer with depression? Would I allow people to take advantage of me? Maybe I would be a little stronger, or care a little less. Maybe I wouldn’t be uptight and serious all the time and just have more fun. There are so many maybes. But it did happen, he died and things changed, especially me.
I’ve thought about suicide a lot since that day, but there have been two times in particular that it was more than a thought and I had a plan. It pains me to admit that, but I know I’m not the only person who feels this way, so that gives me strength to always share my struggles. I don’t know why these two times were different. I used the excuse of being on depression medication the first time but the second time was years later and I was in a good place.
Thankfully I didn’t take action on my thoughts. I have so much to live for, I would break my own heart if I took my own life. So why do I feel this way?
I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s something I’m going to have to live with forever but it also makes me think, about all the things I would miss.
I’m such a different person than I used to be. I’m stronger and more confident. I have created such a beautiful life, it’s more than I could have ever imagined for myself. I can’t imagine my life without me in it, and I don’t want to. SO I will continue to fight, through my depression, this crazy world and anything else that stands in my way because I deserve all that I have and more.